Here's a Script for That

Adrianne Soo, MS1, Orthopedic Surgery

So the nurse says you're a little depressed-

lucky for you, this is easily addressed

with meds that'll have you better off.

You'll start with the bouncing bubbles of Zoloft


then toss in some Cymbalta or Wellbutrin,

perhaps Jim Carrey's Prozac- another hot trend.

Just call if you start feeling zaps in your head

and they'll fix you right up with an NSAID


like Advil or Ibu, Excedrine or Torodol,

or another favorite- extra strength Midol.

Though sometimes these drugs can interfere

with the SSRIs, but no need to fear-


You can always try something else for the pain.

Opiates are popular, particularly Nubain,

also Vicodin, Roxanol and Codeine.

Just don't drink or drive, or operate a machine


while taking these. But if you must,

go back to the drawing board and adjust

to neuroleptics, which will also get the job done.

You can try Moban, Navane, Quide, Geodon


or Thorazine (beloved by many a parent).

And for side-effects you want to prevent

(just seizures, diabetes, or sexual dysfunction)

they'll give you your pick of Benadryl or Cogentin.


Of course those often make you quite drowsy

far beyond the help of your morning coffee,

so pop a stimulant to get yourself movin',

like Concerta, Adderall, or your son's Ritalin.


And it’s best to keep a beta-blocker in pocket

in case your heart rate sky-rockets.

So here's a prescription for 50 milligram Visken,

just keep in mind that it might cause depression.