Mark Joseph
Raised in obscurity, hiding in the shadow of his twin brother Nadeem “Nads” Khuri, Mark “I’m not a terrorist” Joseph remains silent regarding his chances to capture the fabled Trinidad Cup. Repeated telephone interviews, personal face-to-face interviews, even interviews with translators, closed captioning, and sign language assistance failed to produce even a peep out of the tight-lipped Indian.
When asked about Mark’s chances in the race, Tony (who now prefers “Just T”) Meyer said, “Who?”
Bruce “Burn me up Buttercup” Cairns was equally higgledy-piggledy and even apoplectic. “Mark? Didn’t he finish last year? Or the year before??? Wait a minute…is he that scrawny guy who passed out in the burn unit when I looked at him?? Now I remember him. Nope. He has no chance.”
Dr. Joseph’s future boss and newly promoted mistress of the ICU, Renae Stafford, is more positive about the silent terrorist’s odds. “Dr. Joseph is thin. He can’t talk. I’ve never seen him operate. So by proxy, he must be good at something. I think it’s running fast.”
Noted Hispanic colorectal surgeon Timothy “The Tractor” Sadiq (accent on second syllable) concurs with Stafford. “Mark tiene un plan grande para ganar. El es mi hombre. Arriba arriba!” he snorted.
Vegas odds makers draw the line at 20 to 1.
Nancy Moss Andersen
Dook Duke graduate, George Washington alum, part-time Governors’ Club resident, part-time Harker’s Island resident Nancy “whipstitch” Andersen might just be a contender for this year’s cup. “Don’t underestimate me,” growls Nancy to someone else in the room who isn’t there in response to the question.
“I’ve given birth to a 14 pound toddler. I have to walk 875 yards to get from my bedroom to my closet…and another 12583 steps to get to the second floor. And don’t think I’ve been using my elevator…because I haven’t! I’m in training.”
Mark “silver fox” Koruda concurs with Nancy’s underdog capabilities. “Everyone says she isn’t going to work when she finishes this here residency thing. That’s just ridiculous. It’s also ridiculous to assume she won’t win this race. I’ve been grooming her to be a surgeon and a sprinter since I met her as a medical student. When our eyes almost met, I knew.”
Brian “The Polish Prince” Bednarski remembers being afraid of Nancy since their initial encounter 7 years ago. “Nancy is intense. Um. And she scowls a lot. So. Um. Yeah. Um. So. I’m afraid for people that cross her. Yeah. So. Um.”
Paul Trey Doctor Riesenman is less confident in Nancy’s abilities. “Every time I ask her to pull my finger and rub my head, she squeals like a little girl. Nancy has no cajones. She’s gotten soft since she birthed that giant. I don’t think she will win.”
Nancy’s three nannies plan on attending the race to assist in childcare and assure that she is not distracted during the 30-second festivities.
Vegas numbers have been dynamic over the last week, but presently stand at 36 to 1.
Paul "Trey" Riesenman
House Officer of the Year Doctor Paul Trey Riesenman, IV, MD, MS, BS released a statement regarding his chances at victory - “I have no handicaps. Fear me. That is all. I will take no questions.”
Dolly “Parton” Penn, who has rounded with Doctor Riesenman on more than one service this year, has no doubt that he will win. “There ain’t no doubt that he will win. The dude makes us round at 4:30 am…on weekends…when we have one inpatient. I’m like, ‘Aw…Doctor, can’t we just round a little later?” And he’s like, ‘No.’ And I’m like, ‘Damnit.’ And he’s like, ‘Grrr.’ And I’m like, ‘Dude’.”
Mark “Feather Chested” Farber hopes Doctor Riesenman takes a tumble at race start and falls on his face. “That crooked pinkie Mr. Clean is no friend of mine. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t join Moe and Larry in Alabama or whatever hell place they are in right now. They’re traitors…all of them. And they’re all bald! That’s what happens when you trait…you go bald!” he screams as he strokes his chest hair and Lynn “opposites attract” Farber braids his back hair.
Spotted drinking beers by himself at Brixx one Tuesday evening at 10pm, Doctor Riesenman waxed philosophical about his time at UNC and his racing strategy. “This is off the record as you know, but I’m going to win. I’m uber powerful and have a large penis. This makes me manly. I also have incredible sexual prowess. I plan to run naked. The crowd and competitors will be so awestruck that victory will be mine.”
Vegas odds for a race victory stand at 7 to 1 for Doctor Riesenman.
Megan Jack
“I don’t like to sweat,” a coiffed, trimmed, and well-manicured Dr. Jack says in a matter of fact tone from her massage chair in the attending lounge. “But, if it means another female victory and acquiring that cute little silver cup, I guess I’ll make the sacrifice.”
Lawrence “Lare Bear” Alexander has great confidence in his long distance boo. “Meggie is not easily rattled. I’ve tested her a lot this year and she is ferocious,” he wimpers as he licks claw marks on his hands.
Hartwig “Scooba Dooba” Bunzendahl agrees. “Have you had the pleasure of admiring Dr. Jack’s long fingers? They are beautiful. And remind me of the symphony I composed as a child growing up in the German town of Edelweiss with Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer. Or perhaps my hernia operations, which are unique, perfect, and marvelous.”
Dr. Jack added, “most people don’t know this about me, but I also sell lovely wooden spoons at yard sales throughout the country, but predominantly in the Ohio Valley. Running this business has made me more mature, tougher, and faster because of having to run from unhappy customers. I’m a shoe-in!” she quips as she admires her $14,000 Manolo Blahnik black boots.
Aaron “I operate on little adults” Garrison is a huge supporter of his former co-intern. “Megan can really juggle a lot of things. I’ve seen her take transplant call from Charlotte, remove JPs while simultaneously applying lip gloss, and topple from bar stools but manage to gracefully get back up. She’s got this!”
If Dr. Jack wears her Nike Air Force One “So Cals,” Vegas draws the line at 5 to 1. If she favors fashion over function, the odds drop to 500 to 1.
Jennifer Nelson
Jennifer “Jenny” “Solms” Nelson is the sleeper in this year’s race. This future pediatric CT surgeon who is married to the future North Carolina governor has been training for this race since she learned to walk in 1998.
“Everyone thinks that this mole sitting in formaldehyde in my locker since intern year is really just that. I know better. It’s my secret weapon. And on race day, my five year plan to victory will come to fruition,” she cackles wildly as she scurries away to her picture framing appointment.
Michael Mill beams proudly as he recalls his time with L’il Jenny. “She’s just so blonde and bubbly. And she’s shorter than me so I like that.”
Golden Girl compadres Leora “Lala” Tesche, Elizabeth “Speck” Speck, and Holly “Pass the Gas” Munnis are tight lipped when asked about their predictions for the race.
“I took that mole off,” remembers Munnis with a wistful teary-eyed stare. “Sometimes I just miss the feeling of cold steel in my hands slicing through flesh…but I digress…I never imagined that this mole would be the whole secret to her potential success.”
Elizabeth “Speck” Speck, back from her 100 mile bike ride, gasped, “Whatever. None of these chicks hold a candle to my fitness level. I just can’t wait until it’s my turn. I’m going to break the land speed record.”
“Can’t we all just get along?” added Dr. Tesche, who clearly had just awakened from a deep slumber.
Heather PP, fellow Golden Girl and competitor, released this statement: “I love Jenny like Rose loved Blanche, but on race day, that all goes out the window. I’ve got the vascular mafia behind me.”
L’il Jenny wanted it to be known that, whether or not she is victorious in this race, hi-fives are strictly off limits. “Those are something I’ve really struggled with all of my life. I either am too high or too low, or just miss completely. Too much pressure. Don’t do it. You’ll look stupid as I ignore your outstretched hand.”
Vegas odds are 333 to 1.
Heather Pennell Park
Born in the mountains of North Carolina, among the famous Appalachian tail people, Heather PP Park has come a long way. “I cut my own tail off at the age of five. It was then that I knew I could leave this town…and that I wanted to be a surgeon!” PP said in her thick country accent.
No stranger to adversity, PP reminisced about her Match Day festivities. “I was so excited to learn that I matched at UNC. My namesake and role model Heather the Neumanator Neuman took me out for coffee. She politely informed me that no one liked me and that she was very surprised that I matched at UNC. That coffee was so good. And it made me all the more excited to start a new challenge on June 24.”
William “Wild Bill” Marston has been spotted leaving his lab late every night this past week. When asked as to why, he stated, “I’ve been working a lot recently with human growth hormone, EPO, and those other abbreviated medication names that A-Rod used. I think I’ve come up with the perfect concoction to cure diabetic foot ulcers…”
Some fear that PP’s recent nuptials to a professional triathlete might give her an unfair advantage. Jenny Nelson shrieked, “What the hell!??! Now I need to have another mole removed!”
PP dispels this notion. “Justin, my hhhhuuussband,” she says in a long slow drawl while simultaneously inhaling a Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries, apple pie, and large frosty, “has no influence over my diet or exercise habits. I don’t do either.”
Given her recent food consumption and newlywed bliss, Vegas odds put PP at 50 million to one.
