2011 Trinidad Cup Handicap

Joshua Mostkoff Unger

A quick Google search for Josh Joshua Mostkoff Unger will strike fear in the hearts of fellow TCup competitors. The self-described “Burger King” recently attended his high school track team Hall of Fame reunion in sunny Florida, missing three days or 72 hours in an 86-hour pelvic exent with Dr. Calvo.

“Running is cool I tell you! Cool. Cool. Cool,” Joshua exclaimed while he referenced his black book. “According to my calculations, I’ve run 856,452.89 miles in 1,825 days with temperatures varying from -7 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s -21.6 degrees Celsius for those more metrically inclined) to 103 degrees Fahrenheit (39.4d C) at 34 feet below sea level to 10,678 feet above sea level. It’s almost as many times as I’ve hit enter on a CPOE order! If my computer, Hal, isn’t lying to me, I expect that I will win by 0.847 seconds.”

Joshua’s diet in preparation for the event is no secret to followers of theshubox.org. While many of you sample ramen noodles or lucky charms, Josh eats cheese hush puppies, Swiss chard, and fresh pea and garlic gazpacho. “My wife keeps me lean and mean…and quite regular.”

The vascular syndicate reluctantly endorsed Dr. Unger in this year’s competition. “He’s doing a vascular fellowship, but it’s at Duke. That’s like telling someone you won a new car, and finding out it has no engine. But whatever. We have to cheer for someone,” stated a UNC vascular surgeon who requested anonymity from the smoker’s patio.

Vegas odds makers think the former track and field phenom has lost his edge with the gazpacho and put him at 100:1.

Jeanie H. Ashburn

Noticeably absent in her last few months as a general surgery chief resident, Jeanie “Hartwig” Ashburn defends her tan and over-developed deltoids, “I’ve been mentally preparing myself for this foot race,” she slurred in a Tennessee accent.

When asked how and what these preparations entailed, a tight-lipped Dr. Ashburn kicked her medical student in the ass, threw off her shoes, and scowled.

Yet, like Arnold’s love child, the truth won’t be hidden. Careful investigation using such reputable websites as twitter, facebook, and tmz.com reveal a drunken, scantily clad Dr. Ashburn surrounded by a cacophony of Mexican men and women. Furthermore, secret files hidden in KP’s unlocked file cabinet under the tab “Jeanie Ashburn” demonstrate a bizarre and sickening obsession with former residents Karyn Karen Stitz Stitzenberg, Amber “Me” Allen, and Bariatric baritone D. Wayne Overby.

“Okay! Okay! I admit it!,” screamed Dr. Ashburn, visibly agitated as she contemplated which of her seven white coats to wear that are hanging in the women’s locker room.

“Jeanie is just so wonderful…so wonderful. You know what I’m sayin. Even after a long, tedious colon dissection where the stool spills, you know what I’m sayin, and you get some on your shoes or even on your scrubs…Jeanie still smells and looks wonderful. If I were single…you know what I’m sayin. You know what I’m sayin,” a wistful D. Wayne Overby trailed off.

Vegas odds makers expect a pant-less, barefoot Ashburn to give her fellow competitors a challenge. 20:1 And for Dr. Overby to be present and camera ready.

Cathleen Kathy Sybert Khandelwal

“I love pot,” quips a tranquil, Henna covered Kathleen Cathy Dr. Sybert Khandelwal outside the Exxon gas pump that she just ran over with her Lexus. “Everyone thinks I’m so intense and angry, but really I just love bunnies, warm marshmallows, and Enya. Oh…and pot.”

“This race for me is about communing with nature, letting my hair down, and feeling my toes in some freshly fertilized farm soil.”

Khandelwal, a former Naval Academy cadet, isn’t lamenting her newfound inner peace. “Those 3am WakeMed consults to ‘lay hands on a belly’ full of nature’s most powerful and beautiful fertilizer will be welcomed from now on. And I think Arkansas will have an abundance of natural fertilizer.”

Outsiders and former friends worry that Khandelwal’s recent Indian nuptials may have brainwashed her. “What the hell was in that Henna?!?,” yelled Mark J. Koruda. “Cathy ‘Hammer’ Sybert was ruthless. This Khandelwal chick and her obsession with poo disturbs even me…and poop is my life.”

“I really think everyone should enjoy their last few weeks in Chapel Hill without taking any call. Send me your requests and I will make it so,” Dr. Khandelwal chanted in between bong hits.

Expected to be easily distracted by passing butterflies or horse manure, odds makers put Dr. Khandelwal’s chances for victory at 1million to 1.

Leora Jane Tesche

Dr. Leora (pronounced like senora) Tesche is expected to be this year’s dark horse for the fabled Trinidad Cup cup. “It’s taken me a while, but I’ve finally found the right path. Last week I rode a bicycle for the first time!” she said with what we think was excitement as she cradled her left arm in its air cast.

“Medical experts” (interns enjoying coffee during their mandated nap time) speculate that Tesche’s resting heart rate is 35. Hiral “Patty” Naik believes that 35 is also her maximum heart rate. “I gave her multiple high-5s, I yelled at her, I even hugged her in the elevator just to feel her heart beat. IT IS SLOW! No way she’s going to have enough catecholamines to win any race!” she exclaimed.

Normally the cardiothoracic surgery contingency would unabashedly support anyone stupid enough skillful enough to join their ranks, yet they remain quiet this year. Speaking on condition of anonymity, Dr. Michael Mill released this statement, “We do not endorse candidates who fail to use correct anatomic terminology. The ‘P” word is wrong. CT surgeons must feel comfortable saying ‘vagina,’ ‘cervix,’ ‘uterus,’ ‘mons,’ etc. Who knows? We may be using those as portals for valves one day.”

Tesche is one of the last remaining members of the renowned Golden Girls clan. From atop a very high mountain in Colorado, former Golden Girl Holly “Blanche” Munnis waxed philosophical, “Little GI Jane…that’s what I called her when we were roomies…is a cross between Sophia and Demi Moore. But not really the Demi in G.I. Jane…more like the one in Striptease or maybe The Butcher’s Wife. I get those confused. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I think she could win if she were racing against any Golden Girl.”

The bicycle crash and resultant arm injury gives Vegas odds makers pause…378,463 to 1.

Aaron P. Garrison

Sitting atop the bell tower, poised in a double breasted Tom Ford suit with peaked lapels accented by brown leather A. Testoni flats, a young Dr. Garrison clutches his AK-47 and ponders his chances in this year’s Trinidad Cup.

“This gun is not loaded you know,” he raps as he waves the gun in the air. “I just like to hold it so I don’t blowwww…Up! like a gasket or end up in a casket…my stress level gets so high…what do you think of this tie?...The tcup is mine…I saw the sign…and it opened up my eyes…I saw the sign.”

Colin P. Byrd Bird, found fawning over his photo collection of Asian women with knives, thinks Garrison takes this whole race thing too seriously. “APG needs to embrace his feminine side,” he said. “He’s Lady Gaga in a little adult’s body – fashion before fitness. I’m just hoping he shows up in an egg.”

Fellow Cefalo award winner, Jeanie “Hartwig” Ashburn, believes Garrison is underestimated. “Paulie knows all the words to every Dr. Dre song. He lived on Thirteen Mile Road. Do the math. That’s close to Eight Mile Road.”

William “Wild Bill” Adamson believes his protégé has a shot of establishing a strong legacy of pediatric surgeon winners at the Trinidad Cup. “Somehow we’ve convinced a lot of residents to go into pediatric surgery. Really we just want that cup. That reminds me of a time when my geraniums died and I stepped in some dog poop…”

Vegas odds makers like the rapping white boy with a predilection for Ace of Base and Dr. Dre. 10 to 1.

Brian Keith Bednarski

The Polish Prince, Brian “BPimp” Bednarski, is guaranteeing a victory. “Um…so…you seriously…um…so…think I’m bald??!! What not. This…um…so…baldness is all about aerodynamics! Um…I’ve been training for this race longer than any other competitor here…8 ! 8 ! years!!!! So…I am the chosen one!”

“Why do you think Brian spent an extra year in my lab?” asked a smirking HJ Kim. “The Trinidad Cup belongs with those who can operate on boobs AND the pancreas!”

Bobbsey twins Travis “Corn-fed” Cotton and Michael “Decaffeinated” Phillips are hopeful that the prince can emerge victoriously. “Brian just moves so fluidly. The khaki/Nike combo is really the way to go,” one of them said.

When informed of BPimp’s former status as UNC’s most eligible bachelor in his early days, Hayden “Not the Duke one” Pappas giggled incredulously, “Granpa?!!? Really??? I guess I could see that. I’ve seen pictures of Harrison Ford from 20 years ago and he looked good so anything is possible.”

Former fellow intern, Nancy Moss Andersen, just back from a rousing tennis match with the Octogenarian Ladies League of Dames (OLLD) in Governor’s Club opined that Brian would not win. “I had to round with that guy. He’s so slow!,” she exclaimed, as her eyes rolled out of her head.

“Brian’s like an old man…just without the tan…I’m going to crush him…who doesn’t wear de-nim?!?” rapped Master P Garrison.

If Dr. Bednarksi’s athletic age matches his astrological age, odds are 2,000 to 1.