Farm-bred and breast-fed Pennsylvania countryboy Heidi “Great White” Heidenreich aspires to get out from under the long shadow of his gifted sister Amy (“her hands were touched by angels,” observes Don “the Knock” Nakayama) with a big Trinidad win. Hoping that his multi-million dollar deal with Reebok for a signature black sneaker endorsement (the “HI-D Stealth”) as well as access to secret Reebok training facilities and protocols will hold the key to victory, the big boy has sold out to multinational corporate business interests. Lounging in the hottub at his Reebok-financed crib in the Governor’s Club, Heidi is a long way from his austere Amish beginnings in Dinkelstolzboro, Pa.
Occasionally glimpsed training at the secret, high-tech Reebok campus on the beaches of Australia’s Great Barrier Reef, Li’l Mikey, with his aerodynamically perfect haircut and silver Lycra running suit, has been described by drooling female fans as “phallic” and “so sexy, like Greg Norman”. A clear favorite of the “we like ‘em big and stupid” contingent of unmarried OR nurses and CRNAs, MH will need a clean start and a strong tailwind to prevail. Overheard trash-talking race favorite C-Lo Lowry to his posse in the Reebok skybox at a recent San Jose Sharks football game, a drunken Heidi reportedly rapped, “Runnin’ fast is ma biz/I know where her Achilles’ heel is/During the race, I will ATTACK/ ‘til there’s blood all over the TRACK…” A spokesman for Heidenreich denies the comments.
In 100 computer-generated, virtual Trinidad matchups under a variety of conditions, Heidi is the winner in a suprisingly low 27%. Off-track betting service Ladbrokes puts MH at 2:3.
Update: Trinidad Cup officials have issued a statement that reports of a prior criminal record remain unconfirmed and Heidenreich will be permitted to race. Lawyers for fellow resident and competitor Cornwell plan to appeal and contest.
Still uncertain is whether a minor calf pull will keep Heidi on the injured-reserve list. Reebok has reportedly asked Bobby Knight in to evaluate and inspire their prize athlete. Reports of choking sounds and “Jaws” theme music from the training compound are unconfirmed.
In prime physical condition, thanks to her regular routine of cage dancing in Raleigh nightclubs, her frequent runs to and from the altar and her special-order, high-protein, wheat grass-boosted Wendy’s Frosty’s diet, “C-Lo” is a good bet to place and maybe even win the 2001 Cup. Further helped by the high-oxygen affinity hemoglobin of her Peruvian bloodline, C-Lo has been sneaking off with fiancé/trainer/Svengali “Puff-daddy” Diehl for special mile-high training in a mountain retreat/lovenest near Lima.
Close friend and sorority sister Laura “Viagra” Culp reportedly plans to encourage C-Lo during the Cup run with cheers of “Culley Carson wants you back” and “you’ll have to cover my Urophysiology Clinic if you lose, bitch” to inspire her. Hoping for a moment of glory before fading into the anonymity of Air Force frauleinhood, C-Lo is a darkhorse that could take it all if angered and adrenaline-pumped by pre-race comparisons to fellow South of the Border military phenom, Capt. Eric “Menudo” Suescun. Recently seen among a phalanx of bodyguards on Franklin St. with friends Gwyn Paltrow, Madonna and Gloria Estefan, no one is asking Cindy-Lou Who? The Hollywood Choice, CL is expected to stun the crowd in her one-of-a-kind Versace running outfit on race day.
In 100 virtual Trinidad Cup runs C-Lo is victorious in a stunning 43% and clearly helped by the drag:lift ratios of her soccer-trained physique. Vegas big money has made her the new favorite at 4:1.
Claiming “I know the real guy Tony Soprano is based on” and with typical northern Jersey pushiness, Happy John has muscled his way into eligibility for the 2001 Cup. With race day looming, however, the “chest-cutter” has been beset with chest-pain and with nightmares of intense men with Biblical names like Mark kidnapping him into the deserts of Sinai to train and recite prayers. In a strange real-life twist, the “Marky-Marks” Farber and Bleiweis have in fact arranged funding through Salomon Brothers to underwrite an effort for Sadoff to achieve his prophesied potential (or at least an Ivy League education).
Realizing his obligation to “my people”, Happy John has sought the expertise of successful sports psychologists to bring forth his “inner winner”. In addition, former mentor, dilettante author and country squire Charles Stewart Roberts III, MD has encouraged him to ignore the advice of “the low-rent, white-trash rabble” and keep his distinctive but high wind-drag goatee. He has also encouraged Sadoff to take up beatnik poetry writing and bongo playing as a path to Zen focus and running success. Ever the entrepreneur, JS and trainer/cabana boy Tim “TIMMAAYY!” Sadiq have been seeking support and endorsements under the corporate title TEAM SADIQOFF and have already secured financing for a signature line of sheer, ultra-conforming, Spandex OR scrubs.
Computer models have predicted a 19% win rate with the goatee, a 25% win rate without. However, SICU-ubermensch Jeff “Jeffy” Abrams claims to have discovered a passage in the Torah that predicts a miraculous Sadoff victory regardless of Gentile odds. Nevertheless, on the street he is considered a long–shot and possible no-show/no-run…
In typical Orwellian/Cornwellian fashion, Lou-rain C., aka “Lu-C”, has shrouded herself in dark mystery and remains a total unknown to the professional handicappers. Something of a folk hero around the hospital and certain to be the medical student, nursing and ancillary service’s favorite, Lu-C secretly feeds on her popular support.
Her intense focus (“absolutely scary at times” according to close friend and colleague Mark “Big” Bird) and Coach K-inspired discipline as a former Dook Track all-star give her an obvious advantage. But recently, she has seemed distracted by her chance to leave “this two-bit redneck Podunk” to shop at the “real Saks” on 5th Avenue. Coaching consultant Phil Jackson feels Lu-C’s Zen tranquility has been disrupted by her hopes to meet the ultra-rich captains of business in Manhattan (“guys around here are so icky,” she has observed). Her heart and desire to win is uncertain and complicates whether she is a sure bet. However, like her namesake in the Peanuts comic, Lu-C is believed capable of sneaky and underhanded maneuvers to secure her goals, especially a win in the fabled Trinidad Cup. Reportedly she has also been carefully mentoring her proteges Erica “ER” Rager, Erin “Jan” Felger and Laura “the Mellow Okie” Kissell in hopes of creating a “Girl-Power dynasty” as a Cup legacy.
Attempts to calculate odds with IBM’s Big Blue factoring in all the variables relevant to the ever-complex LC has contributed to the power drain in California; predictions were not available as of presstime…
O. Robert Mendes
In a surprise vote seen as a slap to Inca princess C-Lo Lowry, sportscasters on Telemundo have crowned Bobby “O Bobby” Mendes the “Great Brown Hope”. O. Bobby however, has been quick to point out that although he has lived in Florida and has great respect for Mexican culture, his heritage actually harks back to the “rum-soaked, chicken bleeding voodoo culture of the Islands, Mon”. And “besides, I was born in the U.S., I don’t need a greencard and I can’t speak Spanish”. Nevertheless, posters of the hunky Mendes are outselling those of Ricky Martin thoughout the Hispanic teen world.
Under excruciating pressure from his famous padre and 1978 Trinidad Cup Champion O.C. “not Osi” Mendes, favored son O Bobby faces high expectations. His Vascular colleagues have rallied aggressively around O Bobby and it is surmised that one reason perennial resident Lewie Owens may be running is to allow Mendes to draft behind him during the early race and then cover his back in a Dale Earnhardt-style self-sacrifice later at the finish. Vascular Godfather and 1976 Trinidad Cup also-ran Blair “Huggy Bear” Keagy has offered no comment on this speculation, saying only that, “I hope Lew doesn’t crash too.”
Stories from the Mendes training compound indicate that Keagy has recently dismissed assistant coaches Farber (conflict of interest) and Burnham (bizarre training philosophy) and brought Trinidad Cup specialist Dr. Robert D. Croom III in to insure victory. Croom would neither confirm nor deny press speculation, saying only, “Ah plan to be the best-dressed man at Li’l Bobby’s 2001 Cup victory.”
Computer-generated mock races give ORM a 36% victory rate in 100 virtual runs. Michael Jordan is said to be wagering heavily on O Bobby.
Told repeatedly by Windy City mentor and protector Anthony “Big Tony” Meyer that he’d “better behave or you’re the next to be voted off the island”, Scott “it’s spelled S-C-H-L-I-D-T” Schlidt has carefully cultivated his badass reputation in the hopes of psyching out other Cup competitors. Well known to have neglected his clinical duties most of the year to perfect computer models of race strategy, technique and performance, Slitty has also attracted big money from technology sector highrollers and venture capitalists. Bill Gates is said to be expecting a surprise showing from Schlidt and is hoping that a silicon-based, bionic race strategy can cover recent dot.com losses at Microsoft.
Giving Slitty an additional advantage is expert and cutting-edge nutritional counseling from Mark “No humming” Koruda who has created a secret diet of raw Prime Cut beef and special, high-energy cornflakes. (Expenses for this nutritional experiment have been covered by Carnivore Club founder and Koruda protege Walter “Greenville’s really pretty nice” Scott, and Schlidt will be racing under the Club colors (red and charcoal black) and serving-wench logo.) All these intangibles, including his characteristic misplaced overconfidence could actually work for Schlidt this time, who no longer refers to himself as a resident but as “the Cardiac Fellow.”
A stiff crosswind on race day may favor the slender and appropriately nicknamed Slit, but rain or humidity>67% could yield an inconsistent performance according to algorithm #2719 as run on the Triangle Research Institute’s Cray supercomputer. Calling him the spoiler, Bob Costas and Terry and Alan “Jiggy” Bradshaw are predicting that he’ll win it all.
Update: Recent rumors that Slit failed a mandatory pre-race urine drug test have been denied by his East German coaches who claim that they are false positives resulting from his high protein intake, and that the meconium also seen in the sample can be explained by cross-reactions with unique additives on his special frosted flakes. Cup officials have convened an emergency meeting but are expected to overlook the findings. They will also issue a ruling on whether Slit is allowed to wear logos for all 87 of his corporate sponsors; Cup officials had hoped to avoid a “NASCARization” of the event.
Lewis Vollintine Owens
Claiming a heritage as a star hockey player and rugger that cannot be officially confirmed, the years and eventually the decades of residency and call and Grapevine grillfood have nonetheless taken their toll on old Lewie. Where there once may have been the potential of youth, little remains but the pathetic “Glory Days” memories of a Springsteen song. In spite of the all-night Christmas parties with nurses half his age and an upcoming marriage to a much younger woman, in his atherosclerotic heart Lew knows that some of the cheers at the Trinidad Cup will be because he pushed through the pain of his severe claudication and managed to ambulate at all.
Denied a chance at the Cup years ago when he was a virile chief resident, Lew harbors a sadness that he never got his call up to the Big Show, the Majors, the Stanley Cup of Surgery. In his private world of denial, he has suffered through hundreds of sclerosing injections during off-hours at the Vein Clinic, hoping to avoid shame when his arthritic legs are seen during his special-eligibility Trinidad run. A haunting mental image of hero John Elway being carried off the field late in his career feeds Lewie’s anxious struggle. He has pleaded with his old friend Scott “I’m not Lewis” Hultman for the secrets of Plastic Surgery to keep him young. Fearful that Keagy is just using him to insure a Mendes win, he has gone back to the Cance lab in a desperate search for molecular endothelial factors that could enhance bloodflow and muscle function and yield lost glory. No one has had the heart to tell him that he was invited only to appease his fragile, jock ego, like some old geezer at a baseball fantasy camp. (And besides there wasn’t a senior’s category of the Trinidad Cup.)
Cup organizers were clearly counting on an amusing, “mascot factor” when they invited LVO to run. But it could backfire on them if resident-emeritus Owens ironically succumbs to a low-flow cerebral event at the nationally televised event. Close friends are hoping he stays away on raceday and quietly sips carrotjuice smoothies at Weaver Street Market as an alternative to inner peace. Regardless of how sad and pathetic his effort, Jean Norwood has declared, “Scott will always be a winner to me.”
Oddsmakers have listed an Owens’ win as a statistical impossibility and put it in the “File this under Never” category. Office pools around the country report occasional side wagers that Owens will require oral nitrates, supplemental oxygen or even a balloon pump if he tries to run. Lloyds’ of London has refused to insure the Cup because of LVO inclusion. Newspaper editorials have been calling a race involving Lewie O, “worse exploitation than the XFL” and “senior abuse”.
Renee Stafford/Jeff Abrams
Continuing the Critical Care tradition of ultra-radical feminism, Renee “I’m in charge” Stafford has threatened a class-action lawsuit with former ICU fellows Michele “Goldengirl” Brownstein and Elizabeth “Betsy” Tuttle-Newhall-Moon-Unit-Zappa, if not given a chance to “crush the male chauvinist pigs” at the 2001 Trinidad Cup. Claiming she can kick the butts of “Tony’s little girlie-boys any day of the week”, she has offered to compete with Jeff “No carbs” Abrams strapped to her back as a handicap: “Hell, I’ve carried him all year anyhow…”
Recently separated from conjoined twin Karen Brasel by a team led by pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon Mark “Denton” Bleiweis, the belligerently effervescent Stafford is reputed to be in peak form by trainers Bruce “Socrates” Cairns and Preston “li’l Chip” Rich. Her fierce competitive streak continues to earn the awe and respect of others, including Mark “Politically correct” Farber who has said admiringly, “she can give Lasix to my post-ops anytime”. Clearly cowed and intimidated by his strong-willed partner, Jeff “Whatever Melinda wants” Abrams has indicated that he’ll do anything Stafford tells him and completely supports her plan for an all-female Department. “At least it’ll make for a nice Surgery swimsuit calendar”, he is reported to have whimpered.
Fearing a seedy commercialization of the 2001 Cup run, officials have instructed the independently-minded Stafford that they will not tolerate touchdown showboating if she wins. She has assured them that it was Abrams and not her that had been planning a Women’s Soccer Team/Brandi Chastain-type striptease and bra display at the Finish line. A decision on whether Abrams will be disqualified is expected soon.
If divested of the burden of a pre-Atkins diet Abrams, the Trinidad computer predicts a 42% win rate for the Queen of the SICU. However, officials plan to be on the lookout for a fixed race using Cornwell and Lowry as interference to guarantee a Stafford victory…
SELECTED TRINIDAD CUP PREDICTIONS:
- Ortho and Uro favorite: C-Lo Lowry
- Jean Norwood favorite: Lu-C Cornwell (Andy “the Guv” Kiser’s not eligible this year)
- Jean Norwood sentimental favorite: “Scotty” Owens
- GFS sentimental favorite: “Lewie” Hultman
- Emergency Department favorite: Menudo Suescun
- “Big Tony” Meyer favorite: Slit (some unexplainable congential Chicago bond)
- Marian Meyer favorite and Most Eligible bachelor: Great White Heidenreich (“such a nice, clean-cut boy like the ones from Minnesota”)
- Wall Street favorite: Happy John Sadoff
- Hispanic patients’ favorite: Antonio Banderas look-alike O Bobby Mendes
- The moms’ favorite: Joe “JJ” Jenkins