When we think about “good listening” there are many aspects that come to mind. And behind this practice is a belief and trust that it can be beneficial for clients to explore their own experiences, perceptions, and motivations. By being in the presence of a “good listener” and having the client exploring their own experience, an atmosphere is created for change to be possible. And we know that change, healing, and transformation is not related to us, as practitioners, sharing our expertise. Instead, it is by being with a client as they do the work of looking at their own life situation and circumstances. Oftentimes, however, this process of self-exploration can take many detours if there is not a skilled practitioner allowing the client to keep going, and continuing to explore and come up against material that may be uncomfortable and where there is ambivalence.
What can be helpful is the use of reflective listening, which was originally termed “accurate empathy” by Carl Rogers (1965) and “active listening” by his student Thomas Gordon (1970). And in my experience, I have found this practice to be extremely useful not only in my professional work, but also in my day to day interactions with family, friends, and colleagues. I believe this skill is just good communication and can be a valuable way to interact with others.
We often think being quiet for a period of time while the other person is talking is “good listening.” However, in reflective listening, the key is how the practitioner responds to what is being said by the client. This is why Thomas Gordon (1970) referred to listening as an “active” and not as a “passive” experience for the practitioner. And to illustrate this point, Gordon described 12 kinds of responses that people often share with each other that are not listening:
- Ordering, direction, or commanding
- Warning, cautioning, or threatening
- Giving advice, making suggestions, or providing solutions
- Persuading with logic, arguing, or lecturing
- Telling people what they should do; moralizing
- Disagreeing, judging, criticizing, or blaming
- Agreeing, approving, or praising
- Shaming, ridiculing, or labeling
- Interpreting or analyzing
- Reassuring, sympathizing, or consoling
- Questioning or probing
- Withdrawing, distracting, humoring, or changing the subject
Gordon refers to these 12 response categories as “roadblocks” because they can interfere with listening and distract the client from self-exploration. The other “dynamic” that is often created is one of unevenness and where the practitioner is seen as the expert and where the client shifts their focus from their own experience to what the practitioner is saying…and where the interaction is no longer client-centered.
An example provided by Gordon is a practitioner talking with a client who feels two ways about an important decision. Gordon has put in the number corresponding to the “roadblocks” above.
Client: I just don’t know whether to leave him or not.
Practitioner: You should do whatever you think is best. (#5)
Client: But that’s the point! I don’t know what’s best!
Practitioner: Yes, you do, in your heart. (#6)
Client: Well, I just feel trapped, stifled in our relationship.
Practitioner: Have you thought about separating for a while to see how you feel? (#3)
Client: But I love him, and it would hurt him so much if I left!
Practitioner: Yet, if you don’t do it, you could be wasting your life. (#2)
Client: But isn’t that kind of selfish?
Practitioner: It’s just what you have to do to take care of yourself. (#4)
Client: I just don’t know how I could do it, how I’d manage.
Practitioner: I’m sure you’ll be fine. (#10)
The client has not been supported in their personal exploration because they have had to respond to the “roadblocks” brought up by the practitioner. The practitioner has not been listening, but instead, has been guiding the client towards leaving the relationship.
This blog post has primarily focused on the evolution of listening and “roadblocks” that are often experienced in verbal interactions with others. Next month, we will focus on reflective listening and effective responses back to the client in order for the conversation to continue and personal exploration of ambivalence to occur.
For more information about Motivational Interviewing resources, contact Eunice Akinyi Okumu, by phone (919) 843-2532, or by email, eunice_okumu@med.unc.edu.