Telling your partner about your mental health diagnosis can be a process met with anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. I know firsthand what it is like to disclose a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and tell the person I saw myself spending the rest of my life with that I will always take an antipsychotic. Here is what I have learned through disclosing my diagnosis to the man who is now my husband and what I have learned in hindsight.
The Desire to Disclose Is a Good Sign
If you desire to share this information with someone, it is a sign that you may have found a life partner and that this person is special. Your desire to disclose means you want to be authentic and transparent with someone to achieve greater intimacy for the purpose of establishing a long-term relationship. If I could go back, I would tell myself that sharing this information with another person is a privilege and honor. Who you tell is fortunate to know this information if you think enough of them that you are ready to disclose sensitive information that leaves you vulnerable. So the right person will see your disclosure as a good thing.
Weighing the Risks
If you do not want to disclose, it means you do not know how your partner will react. Even if you don’t know, it does not mean this person is not the right one. However, you may not know how they will react based on whether they’ve had any firsthand experience with mental illness. You may worry that they could unintentionally see your diagnosis through the lens of stigma and that they will look at you differently and think you are not “normal.”
I understand why disclosing this information is so hard. This relationship could be the best thing to happen to you in a long time, and you don’t want to risk this great thing ending. If this person wouldn’t accept you, it can be hard to face that painful reality. You don’t want the fact to be that you can’t find the love and happiness you are looking for because of your past and your current treatment. You don’t want someone to look at you and worry that you could have a relapse or that they can’t trust you.
Transparency Can Be a Relief
The truth is that while your illness does not define or identify you, hiding information about yourself is hiding you and requires energy that you could be putting into your relationship instead. It can also be uncomfortable, especially coupled with the anxiety or fear of your partner finding out themselves before you decide to tell them.
From my personal experience, I can say that withholding information for any amount of time can actually slow down or impede your relationship. I was putting on the brakes without meaning to because I was holding back. I was simply so afraid of being rejected if my partner knew about my mental illness history. I revealed information incrementally over two years because I wanted him to really get to know me so he knew how well I was doing despite the diagnosis and medication use. Even though the way I did things had a net positive outcome, I would have been better off telling him everything sooner, and our relationship would have taken off much faster.
Disclosure Is Better Now Than Later
It truly is better to know sooner than later if your partner would reject you if they knew your previous or current battle with mental illness. You don’t want to waste your time with someone who never would have accepted your disease in the first place. Your time is just as precious as your partner’s, and you deserve someone who accepts you for who you are.
You wouldn’t want someone you call your life partner not to understand and appreciate what your life has been like and what it may be like currently. What good is it to pretend to be somebody without medical conditions or a painful past just to be accepted? You would have to maintain the coverup, spending time and energy hiding who you are and not sharing true emotional intimacy.
The right person will respect your journey, seeing it as admirable that you have the courage to face your illness and persistence to seek treatment. The right person will know your limitations and what I guess you could say are your imperfections, and love you unconditionally.
Not having a picture-perfect past has actually turned into a gift for me. I know I am loved despite the societal stigma, despite my past hospitalizations, despite my label, and despite taking medication. I would rather be loved despite setbacks than be loved for being perfect any day of the week.
It feels so liberating to have disclosed my diagnosis, so now I have nothing I think I have to hide. I am fully known and accepted for exactly who I am. Having all this information to disclose gave my husband an excellent opportunity to show how much he loves and believes in me.
A version of this post was previously published on Nami.org.
Original article featured in Psychology Today | August 1, 2023. Image credit: Văn Thắng / Pexels