Following the much-contested 2001 Trinidad Cup victory of Bobby “O.B.” Mendes, the UNC Gang-of-Four (Blair “Huggy Bear” Keagy, O.C. “not Osi” Mendes, Mark “politically correct” Farber and Johnny B. Bryant) now harbor visions of a Cup dynasty for the Division of Vascular Surgery. Carefully and tenderly bringing Huey ”Money” McDaniel along as one would a delicate, high-strung thoroughbred colt, the Vascular brain-trust have coddled and babied their 2002 hopeful. Spoon-fed a soft and low lipid diet under the guidance of renowned MO surgeon Tim “TIMMAAYYY” Farrell, the always stylish Huey will at least look good in his UNC Surgery-sanctioned Retrospecs and Audi T4 come race day.
Blindly driven to claim a glory that was not his in 1978, Keagy is said to have pre-empted the fine-tooth financial scrutiny common at past Vascular division meetings with obsessive rants about the need for a 2002 Trinidad Cup win. Quotes such as, “I don’t care if he rides a scooter, I don’t care if he wears his glasses on a chain or listens to Steely Dan or the Indigo Girls or Melissa Etheridge, I want a first place. Bobby did it, Pappy’ll do it next year. Huey’s all we got this year, so he better do it too,” were recorded in secret divisional minutes obtained under the Freedom of Information Act. Worried by such megalomania, the Dean’s office is also investigating charges that endovascular speaking fees have been channeled into a state-of-the-art training facility at Highgate for exclusive use by McDaniel.
It is rumored that former Vascular fellow and perennial resident Lewie “I’m not Scott” Owens will return as a PGY1 and be run as a pacer in the Cup to allow Huey to draft behind him during the early part of the race. The secret and classified “Farber scenario #34” reportedly calls for Huey to pull out ahead in final turn and use Owens to cover his back in a Dale Earnhardt style self-sacrifice at the finish. Vascular Godfather and 1978 Trinidad Cup also-ran Blair “Sure I’m a nice guy, I married a pediatrician” Keagy has offered no comment on this speculation, saying only that, “I hope Lew doesn’t crash into the wall, too”.
Computer-generated mock races of Huey give him a 36% victory rate in 100 virtual runs of the Trinidad Cup; no advantage is seen when the “Farber scenario” is employed. Michael Jordan is said to be wagering heavily on the Dr. McDaniel.
Declaring indignantly that, “I ain’t no pushover; I ain’t no house of paper cards in a typhoon”, Mark “Pappy” Papenhausen has boorishly assured all who will listen that victory is his for the taking in the 2002 race. Confident of coming out the starting blocks “so friggin’ fast, I’ll leave my gallbladder behind”, a cocky Papenhausen predicts he’ll be on his third Mint julep by the time the rest of the field crosses the finish line.
Strength and endurance coach Kevin “Hunka, hunka burnin’ love” Behrns says Pappy is a strong contender if he “can keep his head in the game, not forget things and see a task through to completion”. Ever vigilant of the fiery but unfocussed Papenhausen, Berhns has instructed Lorrainie “Koruda’s handmaiden” Hayden to institute frequent sponge, instrument and specimen counts when Papenhausen trains in room 15.
Armchair sports psychologist Don “the Knack” Nakayamahas suggested that Papenhausen’s single-minded pursuit of Trinidad Cup victory stems from the unresolved teasing Papenhausen suffered as a child. “He’s clearly conflicted about his Pacific Northwest, flower-child past and seeks to excel in the mano-y-mano world of sport,” the ever-insightful Nakayama has surmised. “I mean here’s a guy that wears Birkenstocks to the OR and has a nickname that’s reminiscent of either pre-digested babyfood or a senile geezer from the Old Seaman’s Home; the guy’s got a true inferiority complex and really wants to prove himself.” Future boss Blair “Green scrubs only” Keagy agrees that Papenhausen’s self-esteem is poor and probably causes him to overcompensate. Keagy further acknowledges that forcing him to be a radiologist next year after all his surgery training is probably additionally hard on the fragile Pappy ego. Nevertheless, he hopes that the gentle understanding of the “Farber touch” will bring his rising fellow to victory by 2003 and secure the Vascular/Trinidad Cup legacy after a McDaniel win in 2002.
Computer models predict a consistent ‘No Win” for Papenhausen this year and a “No Finish” if he insists on wearing Birkenstocks on race day. If his body mass is freed of the additional weight of a retained, mummified gallbladder, 4 stones and an Endocatch bag, he rises to a 9% win rate.
Miriam Kelley Bullard
Conspiracies theories abound regarding the ever-enigmatic Miriam “Eeyore” Bullard. A popular conjecture attributed to George “Don’t Tread on Me” Inglis and recently quoted in the National Enquirer, claims Dr. Bullard wears a walking cast to deceive and pysche out her other 2002 Trinidad Cup opponents. It further claims that her seemingly injured leg is actually a nuclear-powered bionic prosthesis from Iraq designed to give her an overwhelming advantage on race day. Mr. Inglis is persistent in his arguments and offers corroborating evidence from a Roswell/UFO website and an “X-files” episode.
Bullard’s trainer and Critical Care mentor Bruce “Socrates” Cairns has offered no comment but seasoned observers find his wearing of a similar walking cast odd. “It’s pretty weird,” acknowledges Tony “Big Anthony” Meyers who reportedly is concerned by reports that Eddie “Don’t worry about the C-spine” Rutherford and Preston “l’il Chipper” Rich have also been to the Brace Shop for “sympathetic” walking casts.
“Maybe it’s a passing fad like a tattoo or a Michael Jackson sparkle glove thing,” said an obviously distressed Meyer. Right-wing pundits agree with George “Live Free or Die” Inglis and see a more ominous pattern. Panelists on Crossfire perceive a “communist/black helicopter/Stepford Wives” scenario in this walking cast epidemic.
Bullard has ignored these charges and wearily responds that she doesn’t care about the race unless it helps her get affordable San Fransisco housing. Plodding back toward midnight rounds on 4 Anderson she waves off further questions saying, “Leave me alone, I have specific gravities, BUN/Cr ratios and ostomy outputs to check.”
Race officials are considering an appeal to give Bullard a 20 yard headstart pending a workmen’s comp evaluation. She still remains a longshot and the computer estimates only 3 qualified wins in 100 virtual runs.
Clearly the popular choice for the 2002 Trinidad Cup, the casual nonchalance and unhurried demeanor of Wesley “I was always planning to be a plastic surgeon” Schooler has endeared him to fans around the world. (Membership in the Japanese chapter of his Fan Club supposedly numbers in the dozens.) Win or lose on race day, “Speedy” as he is known to his inner circle is certainly expected to rival Huey “GQ” McDaniel for People magazine’s “Most Eligible Bachelor of the Trinidad Cup”. Both Schooler and McDaniel feign indifference about the race outcome and claim to be more concerned with the bachlorette guest lists for the post-race parties. “How many Playboy bunnies and nurse grads are invited?” McDaniel inquired.
Ever the entrepreneur, Schooler has lined up extensive corporate sponsorship for his run. To deflect criticism from Cup organizers about a “NASCARization” of this hallowed event, Schooler has generously offered 5% of his winning purse to the Fund for Soap Opera Actresses Who Cannot Afford a Rhinoplasty and to the Foundation for the Recovery of Cheap Central Asian Medical Equipment.
Commentators on ESPN are increasingly skeptical about the likelihood of a 2002 victory by “Old Doc Wes”, as he is known affectionately to his gastric bypass patients. Sportswriter Tony Kornheiser ridicules Schooler in Sunday’s Washington Post as a three-speed athlete: “slow, slower and stop”. John Madden and Greg Gumbel recently debated whether “Wesley will try to sprout that cheesy soulpatch again” saying the wind drag it will create all but guarantees he’ll finish last.
Oblivious to the furor, Schooler remains preoccupied with negotiations for a chain of liposuction boutiques he plans to co-brand and co-market with Papa John’s Pizza. “Tell the guys at ESPN to come find me on my private island in the Virgin Islands when they’re ready to apologize,” he recently told a reporter for the Daily Tar Heel.
Virtual simulation predicts a 17% win rate for Schooler. Further mining of the data suggest that the majority of those wins come only if 2 to 3 other competitors are post-call on race day. Off-track betting is sluggish on Schooler but a vigorous Market capitalization is predicted for the Papa John’s & Old Doc Wes’ Stuff ‘em & Suck ‘em pizzeria and liposuction chain at its IPO.
Lora Lee Burke
Cowgirl, debutante and former flight attendant Lora Lee “Who reads the discharge summary anyway?” Burke is the darkhorse in the 2002 Cup. Nevertheless she is wildly supported in many circles.
Veteran Cup observers have reported rumors of secret training under the auspices of militant GrrrlPowr activists and former residents Cynthia “C-Lo” Lowry and Renee “Queenbee” Stafford. Hoping to break the male-dominated stranglehold of the Trinidad Cup and embarrass the “chauvinist pigs of room 14”, Burke and supporters have hinted that the race “is really a gender war”. Unfazed by the big money behind the preparations for a Vascular dynasty and plans for “Pappy to three-peat in ‘03”, unidentified XX surgery residents have been overheard saying that this year’s race will “be a return to the days of 1978, when the males who ran were losers with six-packs hanging from their belts and barbeque running down their face.”
Further rumors circulate that post-feminist advocate and close confidante Alan “EZ” Bradshaw is coaching Burke in how to “outthink the testosterone perspective” in order to give her a winning edge. A surprise favorite among the Southern white male demographic, Lora Lee has been inundated with fan mail from supporters with names like Newt, Wink, Woody, Travis and Junior.
Seen recently at a Chippendales nightclub with members of her posse, including “C-Lo” Lowry, Erin “Jan” Felger, Erica “The Enforcer” Rager, Jen “Zen-calm” Lin, Heather “Weakest Link” Neuman, Stitz, Kissell and “the A quints” Abby, Alisha, Amy, Alden and Amber, Burke told a reporter to “just wait till TJ (former surgery PGY1 Tracey Jackson) joins The Debbies on the other side of the ether screen, then the Chicks will rule the OR!”
Vegas odds makers speculate that the calf muscles LB developed repeatedly moving the refreshment cart along the aisles of Aerflot jumbo jets give her an advantage for a quick sprint on the course upslope. They give her 3:1 odds and a .6 second lead. The computer predicts a surprising 59% virtual win rate.
World-renowned polymath Duc “l’il Ducky” Pham has brought his spectacular genius for complex data manipulation to bear on efforts to prepare for the 2002 Trinidad Cup. Certainly the race darling of the techie and gearhead set, Pham is renowned on geek webrings for his impressive ability to finetune a complicated training regimen into a manageable schedule and still have time to manage his wildly successful ebusiness, “travelocity.com”. (On a side note, FAA Director Steven Boyd has offered his praise and admiration in the Wall Street Journal saying, “Dr Pham has set the benchmark for companies in the business of developing infinitely precise algorithms for massive scheduling matrices. The smoothness with which he helps manage people’s lives is a gift to humanity.”) Already a multimillionaire for his efforts, Ducky has recently tendered big money offers to overhaul schedule and supply logistics for UPS and the US Army, but remains committed to his lifelong goal of being “a HEART SURGEON, like my heros Dr. Schlidt and Dr. Scott.”
A teary-eyed and obviously touched Schlidt comments, “Ya gotta love the little guy, he tries so hard. He comes to America with nothing but a pair of sandals and really makes something of himself.” Schlidt, who has visions of making millions himself (“why else would I would I operate on the HEART”) is looking to franchise a chain of ambulatory CABG centers in eastern NC (“they eat a lot of pork out there”). Committed to his close friend Pham, Schlidt has encouraged him to train under the SAs in room 6. “If he shows promise in vein harvesting and pulling pacing wires, I think Ducky may be employable in our Lumberton franchise. He already says ‘hey boss’ just like Rueben.”
For the present, however, Cup preparations are a focus. Whether Pham’s computer-like mind can factor in the multiple variables of wind, humidity, quantum energy states, heat convection currents and blood alcohol levels of his Trinidad Cup competitors and yield a race strategy for victory remains to be seen. Pham shrugs off the challenge saying, “the race can be broken into discrete components that are cross-indexed in rows and columns, like a chess game or call-schedule calendar; it’s easy after that.”
A circle of geek fans at hacker.com have calculated virtual runs on a Cray Supercomputer and have Pham even at a 50% win rate. He is reported to be the favorite of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett.
Other Recent Trinidad Cup Developments
2002 Trinidad Cup officials have denied the application of Joey “JJ” Jenkins to compete in the Cup outside of his chief resident year. Claiming that “I’ve won every other award around this hospital, why not give me a shot at the Cup?”, a decision was nonetheless handed down that Jenkins would have to wait his turn in 2003.
Disqualified-for-life 2001 Cup competitor Scott “the Slit” Schlidt claimed in a recent Sports Illustrated profile that he has no regrets about his egregious behavior during last year’s race. “Who gives a Kellogg cornflake’s s**t,” he’s says in the article, “I’m a HEART SURGEON now.” Reached for a response, CT division chief Michael Mill said, “I’m sure Dr Egan is looking forward to Scott’s expertise with late-night chest tube placement next year.”
Still hoping for a Trinidad Cup victory someday, Jeff “Jeffy” Abrams reportedly has abandoned the Atkins diet in order to reach an optimal racing weight. Recently seen in the company of numerous morbidly obese people at a Ramada Inn conference room in Statesville NC, Dr. Abrams has been extolling the virtues of the mini-gastric bypass operation and its originator. “A true visionary, a real guru for our times,” he recently exclaimed to a dubious Dr. Dulabon.
Concerning development out of the UNC Wound Clinic: Staff claim that ever since Robert “O Bobby” Mendes won the 2001 Trinidad Cup he’s been insufferable to work with. “He lords it over us like he’s a heart surgeon like Dr. Schlidt,” says staff. “I can forgive Huey ‘cause he could never figured out how an Una boot worked, but Mendes acts like it’s below him to put one on a patient.” said an angry clinic LPN. Mark “Stent-jockey” Farber has been directed to begin sensitivity training and gently counsel his protégé about this behavior.
Despite a poor finish, the breakout star from the 2001 Trinidad Cup race, the ever-stylish Cynthia “C-Lo” Lowry has had a busy year capitalizing on her celebrity. Living a jet set transcontinental existence, she has nonetheless found time to record a best-selling hip-hop album (“Straight Outta Peru”), take the female lead in a made-for-HBO movie about pop-star Ricky Martin (“Menudo Tears”) and make frequent goodwill trips to visit disabled fans at Butner Mental Hospital.